So, it’s been a while since my first post. There is a reason for this. A lot happened and I needed to be in the moment with my feelings and not try and think about the future or past. Time has now passed, and I feel ready to share with you all my current journey.
As many of you know my father is my best friend, he is my mentor, he is just my favorite person point blank period. About five months ago, he was riding in the car with my mother and she found a large lump inside his arm on his muscle. He, of course being a jokester, told her that it was just his muscle and pointed out how strong he was. Turns out it was not just his muscle it was a tumor. Pleomorphic Sarcoma spread within the muscle in his bicep. I’ll never forget when we got the news. I was in a cab in Chicago. Crying alone. Thinking of my father, my leader, my entire world and now that world was crashing in one phone call. I didn’t know how to cope. I wanted to cry all the time, but I couldn’t. I had to be strong. Strong for my mom who could barely keep it together. Strong for my dad so I could support him and keep his hopes up. I’ve never prayed so hard and also felt so distant from God. One night after finding out that my dad was going to have to do extensive radiation and surgery that may leave him with no hand function, I got in the shower and screamed. I screamed for a good fifteen minutes which turned in to crying and praying to God saying the same thing over and over “please God keep my dad safe”.
I know God gave me strength and guided me for this journey because he prepared me for this. Before my dad got cancer, I moved home. I was so distraught with my decision. As time went on, I realized what a blessing it was for me to be home. A blessing for me to be able to be a part of this uphill journey so close to home and for me to be able to help my family.
My father through all of this has been so strong and so courageous. It has been such a life lesson for my sister and I. Showing us, how precious life is and every moment with your loved ones are worth dropping everything for. My sister and I had been butting heads for a while, as siblings do. As soon as dad was diagnosed, we made a pact not to fight. We agreed to help each other through this and to be there for moral support. Now we didn’t change overnight. Y’all sometimes we still fight when no one is around, but I can lean on her and she can lean on me. At the end of the day, we are a stronger family than ever.
My mom was going through a hard time with it all. So, I took her to church one day. Just a side note, my mother is not religious. While we were singing in the beginning of the service, I reached over and grabbed her hand and I could feel her body trying to hold in emotion. She let herself let the emotions out. Tears rolled down her face as we sang to God for hope and guidance. After the service when they sang the final song, they invited anyone who wanted to come up and pray with the leaders at the front to come. I grabbed her hand and found two amazing ladies who hugged us and prayed over us. My mother was shaking as she cried harder than I had ever seen. It was good though. She was able to let out her worries and fears and emotions. I felt so close to her and God. Months later, she told me in the parking lot as we were hugging saying goodbye that she believes in God. I got in my car alone and felt so much relief that mother found hope in God. That she didn’t have to hold all this worry herself she could lean on God.
Currently, my father has finished radiation. It has been a hard journey for him, but he said the hardest part was having to go to the hospital every day for radiation and to sit around people who only wanted to talk about their illness and see the sadness on faces. We have all realized how lucky we are that his cancer could have been so much worse. When I worked in Memphis, I had a wonderful friend in my office. She was the light of the office. So positive and so caring. Just a wonderful human being. While we were working together, her husband was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. He was so young. He fought hard. It spread fast and nothing seemed to work till they started a clinical trial. It was working. She told me he was getting better. Around that time, I moved to Jacksonville for work. I kept up with my friend. Checking in on her and her husband. She would tell me there were good and bad days. I told myself if he could get through this with such and aggressive cancer so could my dad. I soon got the horrible news that he had passed. I felt so many feelings for my friend who had just lost her husband. How unfair it was that they did not get more time in this world together. I felt scared for my father. I had not been aware of life. I felt like I was waking up to the hardness of how hard life really is. I must turn to God because on my own I can’t feel and do it all. We all must turn to God because alone we can’t bare the realistic of life.
Unfortunately, I would love to say that in the Zeidwig household we smile every day, but we don’t. One thing we do is talk everyday. Express our love everyday. Be there for each other everyday. Help each other everyday.
Today I dropped my parents off at the airport so they could fly to New York. Watching my parents roll their luggage into the airport with scared looks on their faces gave me chills. Wednesday my dad has the surgery that will hopefully remove all the remaining cancer. At this point the only thing we can do is put our hope and faith in God. He is the only one who can handle this amount of stress.
I wish I could say during this time my relationship with God has grown but it hasn’t. I’ve had fights with God. I’ve had doubts in God. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but I want to be honest because I still love God and believe in Him. I still feel his presence even when I’m the one pushing Him away. I had a hard time writing this because I felt as though I was lying writing about my journey when I’ve had such a hard time with God lately. But this is a real relationship with God. Hard times and good times. I have to work at this relationship even when my day is rough and know that He will make it better.
It is well with my soul 